Rule 1: You do not talk about being a GIST employee
Rule 2: You DO NOT talk about being a GIST employee (sorry, had to do it)
Rule 3: Never under any circumstances do you tell anyone your name. To your employer and your associate employee contemporaries your only identuty is you AMS number (4812). GIST prefers it this way, slaves have no right to an identity.
Rule 4: Unless you are polish with big tits, you will be getting all the shit jobs to do.
Rule 5: The "bonus scheme" is only there to entice you. You will only be receiving this "bonus" (more in the region of 'chump change') if (as stated above) you are polish with big tits or you are superman. And if you're superman what the hell are you doing working here? Oh yeah, that's right you're foreign and this is the only place that will give you a job because you can't speak english and there are only so many jobs at subway. But damn do those foreigners work hard for their minimum wage! Good old Tommaszs, the manager's pet.
Rule 6: Invicta FM definitely does not play today's best mix. Unless you call playing Sandi Thom or Scissor Sisters every other fucking song a mix. I've seen better mixtures in my own faeces.
Rule 7:Working for 8 hours straight in a room that is kept at 0 degrees (i.e. a giant fridge) you are going to experience a chronic runny nose. Get over it.
Rule 8: The proper etiquette upon greeting a newcomer in the mess room at break time is to start the conversation with the phrase "It's shit isn't it?"
Rule 9: In order to maintain your sanity for as long as possible whilst working for GIST you must create a "special place" inside your mind, where you go to while working. In this special place you know that bluewater is store number 5, greenwich is store number 52 and every other store number from 2-83 (don't ask me why there is no number 1, four hours of my day are usually spent pondering this, and yet I have yet to find a feesible answer). When your shift is over leave your "special place", locking the door behind you and walk away quickly without looking back until you return there again at the beginning of your next shift.
Rule 10: The phrase "not my problem" will get you everywhere in this job.
Rule 11: If there is a discrepancy between the number of a product that you should have and the number of the product that you actually have, destroy the evidence immediately ("not my problem"). You do not do as you are instructed to and go report it to your Boy-George-wannabe shift manger with the Cherry-red hair that looks as if it's been dyed with Netto own-brand hair dye and is tied back in a platted pony tail. I'm talking about a guy here.
Rule 12: I know this isn't where you'd hoped you'd end up after spending three years earning a degree in architecture, but don't come whining to me about it. I'm just trying to eat my lunch here.
And if you want my honest opinion you should consider yourself lucky that they gave you a job here, seeing as the only reason they did is because your younger sister is one of the managers.
Rule 13: The manager who took you on your training day will know your name for that day and that day only. The next time you see him he will not know who you are. You are just abother nobody to him. Don't expect to be acknowledged by him ever again.
Rule 14: If you've come here just after having left the army don't be shocked when you realise that going into battle and risking your life couldn't be as bad as this, at least there'd be some excitement from time to time.
Rule 15: High-viz must be worn at all times on site. Oh shit that's an official rule. Oh well, fuck it.
Rule 16: Thoughts about the outside world are not permitted. That is why there are no windows, and another reason why names are not used. This is probably an official rule too, just not one they tell you when you're being trained.
Rule 17: If you think that the droning of the fans in the fridge sounds like someone speaking to you, you'll fit right in.
Rule 18: After a week you should be starting to get the GIST of it...
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Rule 19: THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE OF ALL
You never, and I mean NEVER stop and think about what your job actually entails. If you do that, then you are lost. If you think, you might realise that this job is so easy a 10 year old could do it, you'll wonder why there hasn't been a machine invented to do a job this fucking simple, you'll ask yourself whether you are in fact better off doing this job than lying at home masturbating over daytime tv and scrounging the dole off the government and eventually you'll come to accept that the shit wages aren't going to be enough to cover your psychiatrist's bill when you inevitably go insane.
Rule 20:
- Voice 1: "Birds overhead flying south for the winter, must join them in order to escape the cold."
- Voice 2: "But if you do that you will no longer be able to amaze the world with you moving pictures"
- Voice 1: "Look at the bigger picture you fool!" *SMACK* "Survival is the key! I'll return next summer and show the world moving pictures they can only dream of. Then they will bow down before me!"
- Voice 2: "That is why you are the king."
- Voice 1: "Indeed it is... BEGAAAAAAAAAWK!!!"
